


Don't Know, till you lose it

by siren_of_the_ocean



Series: Tim Drake AU's [18]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Bart Allen, Alternate Conner Kent, Alternate Tim died, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussions of Suicide, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multiverse, Multiverse Hopping, Not Tim - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Tim Drake Angst, Tim Drake Gets a Hug, Tim Drake Has Issues, Tim Drake Has Mental Health Issues, Tim Drake Needs Help, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, Universe Travel, that's the major character death, worried Bart Allen, worried conner kent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27133168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siren_of_the_ocean/pseuds/siren_of_the_ocean
Summary: When alternate versions of Bart and Kon appear in the Batcave, asking for Tim, everyone is immediately on high alert.But instead of attacking or asking for help with a multiversal threat, they seem to rather be there for Tim himself.Kon and Bart don't understand until their alternates explain. They just wanted the goodbye that they never got.
Relationships: Bart Allen & Tim Drake, Bart Allen & Tim Drake & Kon-El | Conner Kent & Cassie Sandsmark, Tim Drake & Kon-El | Conner Kent
Series: Tim Drake AU's [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1853161
Comments: 20
Kudos: 450





	Don't Know, till you lose it

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the saddest things I have written in my life. But also, Tim gets hugs? And cuddles? So I am unsure.

Another day, another interdimensional threat. Another visit from the interdimensional versions of ourselves, Kon thinks, his mirror most likely thinking the same. 

This time, there isn’t much difference between Kon and his alternate. In fact, Kon can’t spot many actual differences.   
His alternate seems more tired, his smile worn and his eyes darker. He seems more withdrawn than Kon usually sees himself. Though that looks to be the same for the other interdimensional traveller as well. Kon and Bart. Surprisingly and tellingly, there is no Tim. 

They ask after this version of Tim immediately.   
“Do any of you know Tim Drake?” Conner (Kon deciding to call his alternate Conner and himself Kon) asks, as soon as they arrive in this dimension. This rarely, if ever bodes well.   
Immediately asking after a specific person after hopping dimensions usually means bad things. 

But Tim, as Red Robin steps forward almost instinctively. As if he’s simply reacting to Kon’s voice rather than thinking it through.   
“Tim” Bart breathes, his eyes visibly wide behind his goggles as he speeds toward the only real human of their friendship. It doesn’t take long before Bart intercepts his alternate, forcing them both into a standstill as Bart tries to ask his alternate questions. They’re speaking too fast for Kon to understand but the stricken expression on Bart’s face does not ease Kon’s apprehension in the slightest. 

Bart lets his alternate pass. 

Impulse (as Kon decides to call Bart’s alternate) speeds right up to Tim and basically tackles him in a hug. Kon can see Tim’s arm twitch as if to reach for his bo, but when he sees the outright desperation in Impulse’s eyes, he stills, allowing Impulse to tackle him to the ground. 

They don’t hit the ground though, Conner’s TTK slowing their fall and allowing Tim’s back to hover above the ground. Kon can even see the tendrils of TTK checking Tim over for injuries and avoiding those areas when he finds them. It makes no sense to Kon. Because Tim is strong. Tim is probably the strongest person he has ever met. But his alternate is treating him like glass. And Kon knows that Tim hates that. 

Tim, though, doesn’t complain. No, instead he hugs Impulse and avoids the eyes of the Bats drilling holes into his skull. He’s had practice. The bats don’t seem happy with how Tim is allowing this to play out but none of them step in. 

When the Brat steps in to make a snide remark about Tim allowing an enemy to down him, Conner and Impulse both look ready to eviscerate him. Tim has to step in to calm them both down.   
“-Tt-. How typical of Drake to let an enemy get the better of him. He may as well have expired”  
“Woah” Tim says when Conner’s eyes start to glow, and Kon knows this response. Knows that Conner is incredibly angry if the heat vision is acting up. Looking at Bart, Kon can actually see him vibrating in rage.   
“WOAH!” Tim exclaims when Bart moves to take Damian’s head off his shoulders, moving just slowly enough for Tim to stop. Damian doesn’t let the attacks faze him, rather letting out another annoying clicking sound before he turns his back and heads towards the wall of training equipment. 

Tim’s wide eyes meet Kon’s, and then Bart’s in quick succession, mentally asking “What. The. Fuck?” as he looks down at Impulse again, only to find the boy’s arms wrapped protectively around his middle. 

Kon does not have an answer for him. Conner’s rage at Damian makes sense but the level really doesn’t. After all, Damian has been making those comments for years now. In fact, Kon can actually say that at least the Brat’s murder attempts have been replaced with verbal barbs. Kon still remembers the way that Tim had looked for weeks after Damian had first tried to kill him, pale even against the multitude of body casts and shaking whenever he tried to do anything straining. 

Bart doesn’t seem to know what’s up with his alternate either, staring at the arms around Tim as if they’re foreign to him. He obviously doesn’t understand his alternate either. 

Tim doesn’t react beyond a sigh, warily settling a hand on Impulse’s head and patting the way he did when Young Justice had just formed. When Tim was still so wary of them. Unsure of where the boundaries of human interactions lie and where the invisible lines were drawn. 

While Impulse obviously enjoys the attention, something sets off a bout of tears.   
It starts small, with Impulse’s shoulders starting to shake almost imperceptibly but then the sobs start, seemingly triggered by nothing.   
Conner doesn’t seem surprised in the slightest.

Kon isn’t sure how to react. The person may look like his best friend but he isn’t Bart. But also, the big, wide, honey eyes watering extract a visceral reaction from Kon to help. To soothe Impulse’s distress. 

Tim doesn’t hesitate to draw Impulse into a hug, wrapping his shoulders in his cape and drawing him close enough for Impulse’s head to rest on Tim’s shoulder. Kon isn’t sure if he’s imagining it, but Tim’s grip looks even tighter than Tim would usually allow himself. 

Conner sighs, then. Walking to the side of Tim and Bart and stopping just within reach. But this time, Kon isn’t imagining the glances at Tim. Doesn’t imagine the wat Conner seems to tense every time Tim is out of his sight and relax every time he returns to Conner’s field of view. 

It does not bode well. 

“We’re sorry for the interruption” Conner starts before being cut off by Impulse “No we aren’t”. Conner doesn’t start bickering like Kon is used to doing, rather just returning to his speech. Addressing the Bats as well as Kon and Bart. “We’ve been looking for a Tim Drake alternate for a while now and I guess we’ve been becoming…impulsive” Conner says, wincing at the inadvertent pun. 

Impulse doesn’t even react to his usual joke. Just tightens his arms around Tim and keeps his head down on Tim’s shoulder. “Why go looking for a Tim Drake alternate?” Tim asks, more alright with alternate selves and referring to himself, not himself in the third person than Kon is, apparently. 

The question causes both Conner and Impulse to freeze, every muscle in their bodies tensing. Impulse’s eyes water like he’s about to cry again while Conner’s eyes just look sad and tired. “I’m…not sure you want the answer to that” Conner answers after a moment of silence. The pit in Kon’s stomach growing with every desperate glance at his friend. 

“I want to know” both Kon and Bart’s voice’s ring out into the cave, startling the actual bats above them. Conner just gives them both a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. The smile that Conner has seen on his own face only once. When Clark had been presumed dead after his fight with Doomsday. 

Grief. 

Kon’s blood turns to ice in his veins, heart faltering in its rhythm before it kicks up a notch. His stomach swirls in nausea and bile rises to the back of his throat. His fingertips feel numb and he doesn’t think he can move his feet. Isn’t sure he can look anywhere but his alternate’s expression. Until his alternate’s eyes flick deliberately to Tim, still caught in Impulse’s arms. 

That’s when shock floods his system. Because that makes no sense. It shouldn’t. But it does. Tim has always been the human of the team. Always the most breakable and yet the first to throw himself into a fight. Kon still remembers the snapping of bone under his hand when he was being controlled. Remembers how easily bone gave way. It makes him nauseous. 

But Tim is a fantastic fighter. Has survived Kon’s attack on the tower, as well as innumerable other things. Tim seems almost as invulnerable as Kon is, more even since Kon had actually died once. Yet. Impulse is clinging to Tim like he’ll disappear any second. Like mist. Conner is still glancing at Tim every few seconds just to check that he’s still here. 

Kon stares at his alternate, hoping for an explanation that won’t be coming. Hoping for an explanation that doesn’t involve his best friend dying. Conner doesn’t give. Conner just gestures to the bats in the most dismissive way Kon has ever seen, cueing Impulse to pick up Tim and speed away. Conner only falters long enough for Kon and Bart to spot him and follow before he is taking to the sky and speeding away as well. 

The bats are left in silence. 

Speeding along the highway is usually one of Kon’s favourite activities, the wind in his hair as he moves as fast as he can. Kon can see Bart enjoyment of running is also dampened, the same way his is, as they follow Conner to the outskirts of Gotham and stop there, flying slowly into an apartment that has clearly seen better days. 

The inside is more well-kept than Kon had expected, clean tiles with rugs and walls. Not a single rat in sight, luckily. The couch is stable, with no weird stains and currently contains a speedster, a former Robin and a Super. It just isn’t the format he’s used to. 

Conner and Impulse seem to be clinging to Tim, Conner clutching onto Tim’s hands as Impulse hugs him around the waist. Impulse’s eyes still wet, though now he’s joined by Conner. Tim just seems overwhelmed by the crying alternate versions of his best friends, unsure of what to do.

He looks at Kon for advice but Kon can’t help him. Is still stuck on the thought of Tim dead. And Bart seems to be in the same position.   
They do the only thing they can think of.   
Kon and Bart slowly lower themselves into the couch as well, reaching out and clinging to Tim in whatever way they can. Bart clinging to Tim’s wrist and Kon getting a handful of cape, listening to Tim’s heartbeat the same way he knows that Conner is. 

“OK. You guys are scaring me” Tim eventually states, eyes wide as he takes in the 2 versions of his best friends. Kon knows it’s a farce though, because Tim’s hart doesn’t speed up. He isn’t scared, he’s apprehensive at worst.   
“Tim. Please just let us have this” Conner eventually manages, voice choked and rasping with unshed tears. It causes Tim to still, eyes softening as he settles into the cuddle pile.   
“Tim. You were dead” Impulse eventually says, when Tim starts his line of questioning again. Tim doesn’t seem nearly as surprised as Kon thinks he should be.   
“I figured” Tim answers, voice dropping slightly but not shocked. Not scared or apprehensive. Just...Accepting. It seems to scare Conner and Impulse more than anything else.   
”Tim no. I- I don’t think you understand. We came back and we couldn’t find you. Nobody had heard from you in months!” Conner exclaims, voice teary and sad and yet so angry. Impulse nodding at his side desperately, as if it’s imperative for Tim to understand.   
“We all know that it’s a risk of the job” Tim says, logical and clear. It does not help the situation.   
Kon can feel the ice in his veins turn to fire, the shock turning into rage at the idea of his friend dying. Especially, when Kon wasn’t there to help. Kon can’t imagine coming back from the dead only to find that his best friend is no longer with him.   
“No! It wasn’t!” Conner yells, tears spilling across his cheeks from a mixture of anger and grief.  
“You didn’t die in battle” Impulse clarifies quietly, speaking from his position tucked against Tim’s stomach.

The room falls into silence. Because neither Kon, nor Bart can imagine Tim falling to anything else. Can’t imagine Tim going out in any other way than a blaze of glory. And even that thought makes Kon sick. 

“How. How did-?” Kon asks nervously, not even sure if he actually wants the answer.   
Conner gives it to him anyway. Taking a deep breath, Conner explains his death at the hands of Superboy Prime. Explains the legion of superheroes and their fight. Explains being brought back to their time and seeing everyone but Tim.   
“Dick was Batman. And there was a Robin. But it wasn’t Tim. It was the Demon that took his role and tried to kill him. Nobody had seen Tim in months and frankly said, most of the league didn’t want to. They were all under the impression that Tim had lost it completely. 

But then. They got a message onto all of the servers. Every single hero, every single team database received a message with not only proof that Batman was stuck in time but details on how and when to get him out of the timestream. 

Tim was right” Conner explains, giving Tim a proud smile that seems to lift the corners of the darkness in his eyes. Tim smiling shyly as he confirms that most of that was true to the story he had lived but he’d never sent out the message that early. That makes Conner’s eyes darken again.

“Tim didn’t send it out” Conner admits, sparking confusion in Tim’s eyes before he explains.  
“Bart and I. We went looking for Tim as soon as we could. Used the message to track him down, since I couldn’t find is heartbeat. I. Didn’t think much of it. Clark had made an arse of himself with the whole, not believing Tim thing. I just thought he’d made his new suit Super-proof.   
But. We went looking and we couldn’t find him. We searched every city we could find and found no Tim.   
We eventually found a girl who knew Tim. Said that she was former league of assassins”  
“Pru” Tim murmurs.   
“Yeah. Prudence Wood. Told us that Tim had blown up the League of Assassins bases around the world and gotten rid of the Council of spiders. She had no idea where he was though. Had last seen him at the league compound”

Here, Conner swallows heavily, seeing Tim’s confusion. Because Tim had obviously thought that he would have died in the explosion or while fighting the council.   
“She told us. About this cave. Where two of her teammates had died. Where Tim had gotten the last piece of the puzzle about Batman. Sent us the location because she didn’t want to go back.  
We followed the directions to the Iraq desert. Found the cave. Two bodies outside that were already old. Most likely Pru’s teammates, Owens and Z.   
Inside the cave though” 

Conner falters again, tightening his grip on Tim’s arms just the slightest bit.   
“Tim was there” Bart said “But he wasn’t….He wasn’t there anymore”, not actually making much sense.  
Conner is the one to clarify, taking a shaky breath before he says “Tim’s body was there. In the cave. Alone”.  
“Alone?” Kon clarifies because Tim had always seemed like when he actually dies, he would take his killer with him. Conner agrees.  
“He. He wasn’t killed” Conner admits, drawing breaths slowly and evenly

“His wrists were slit. Batarang to the side” 

That single sentence ratchets up the tension in the room like nothing else. Tim immediately tenses in a way that worries all of them. Conner just about seems to break down with that while Impulse’s shoulders start shaking again. 

Kon can’t move. Can’t shake the image of Tim, pale in a pool of blood. His wrists slit down the middle and a batarang in one hand. Blue eyes, once so bright, pale and grey. He can’t stop himself from turning to Tim with desperate eyes. Desperate for Tim to say that he would NEVER. 

Tim doesn’t say it. Can’t, by the way Kon can hear his heartbeat. No, he just avoids Kon’s eyes and tries to steady his shaky breathing. “It. It was a dark time for me” Tim admits, when Bart forces him to meet his eyes, honey eyes sparkling with tears and desperation.   
“I. Never actually made an attempt. But. I definitely thought about it” he admits, voice soft like speaking too loudly will invoke that feeling again.   
Kon can’t help himself then, draws Tim out of Impulse’s arms and straight into Kon’s. Bart’s arms traying to wrap around them both.   
And suddenly Kon has to face it. If anything were different. His best friend would be dead by his own hand. The only thing that separates Kon and Conner is Tim’s choice. Tim’s actions. Kon could have lost Tim. Kon could have been Conner.   
It shocks him down to his core, forces him to imagine a world without Tim in it. A world where his best friend was dead by his own hand and he had found the body. Suddenly, Kon understands the darkness in Conner’s eyes. The way that Bart clings to Tim like he’ll never see him again.   
Because once they go home, they never will see him again. 

“Promise me” Kon rumbles, making sure that Tim can hear him clearly “Promise me that if you ever think that way again, you’ll call me”. Because Kon doesn’t want to imagine living in a world where Tim is dead. Tim’s nod of acceptance enough to tamp down on the immediate panic he’d felt as Tim admitted that that could have been him. That none of them will ever know what moment, what decision caused their universes to split. 

It almost makes it worse. 

Eventually, Tim speaks up from the pile of worried best friends, asking “Why come here? Why find me? I can’t go back with you”  
And Conner smiles, the weight in his eyes a little lighter as he answers “We never got a goodbye. We needed it. And. Maybe we could visit. We just. Wanted to make sure that any version of Tim wouldn’t fall to the same fate”


End file.
